Chameleon soul

"The thing I’m most afraid of is me. Of not knowing what I’m going to do. Of not knowing what I’m doing right now."

I found this Haruki Murakami quotes from one of his books.
It got me thinking. It got me, for once, to think about my self.

For all my life I convince my self to believe that I've got it all planned out. I know what I'm going to do, I know what I like, I know what I've gotten my self into. And for a brief moment in my life, I'm sure about life. I'm sure about future and I'm sure about my self. Who I am. What I'm doing right now. What I'm going to do. All those reassurances implanted the idea in my head that life is that certain journey that you're going to live just as the way you imagine it. As the way you've planned it. I never thought that life would be easy. It's just that, I thought life would be a certain thing. Something that already been arranged for you and you just have to live it.

That brief moment in my life was over. And I know realize that nothing is certain. Nothing is planned for you. Your life is depended on you. As the realization sink in, fear starts to creep in. I believe that I have plan. I have a dream. A lot of it. I have a goal that I want to accomplish in my life. But at the same time, I fear the uncertainty. I fear the feeling of lost. And in the end, I fear the life itself and I'm afraid of my self. I sometimes think that I have a chameleon soul. Full of indecisiveness and uncertainty. Sometimes I think I have somewhere to go but sometimes I think I don't know where to go. No compass in my life pointing to somewhere. Sometimes I think I know what to do but then sometimes I also think nothing is worth doing. In that moment of uncertainty that I fear my life the most. Especially when I see other people seems to know what they are doing. Then I starts to questioning my self about life and all that stuff. 

The thing is, I just want to live. I just want to do something that makes me happy and makes my life worth living. I may fear all those things, but also realize that those fear are what keeps me on my toes. Keeps me from slacking. I don't want to see those dreams of mine dashed and divided into million pieces. I want to see those dreams sparkling along with those stars in the night sky. My wish is that I just want to be happy and content with my life. To be doing something that I'm supposed to be doing. To be wild and free. To create a life where I can be my self and be happy and to make all my darkest fantasies come to life.

tata.

A friendly reminder

You don't have to take anything too seriously. In fact you need to chill tata.

Quotes of the day

“I love the relationship that anyone has with music ... because there's something in us that is beyond the reach of words, something that eludes and defies our best attempts to spit it out. ... It's the best part of us probably ...”  ― Nick Hornby

A message for boys from Harvey Milk (or from me to you)

"Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really." - Harvey Milk

My love, Augustus Waters

Have you read The fault in our stars by John Green? If you haven't then you HAVE to, you NEED to. Seriously, It's currently my favorite novel and I can assure you that you will not regret if you read it. Especially if you are a hopeless romantic just like myself. But it's not just the romance thou. It's about courage, strength and how we choose to live our life. Thou as I stated before that I am hopeless romantic, so of course what I love the most about this book is the love story between Hazel Grace and Augustus Waters. 

And I can tell you that Augustus Waters is one of my favorite fictional character ever. Just everything he said, everything he thought, and his view of this world that made me fell in love with him. His love for Hazel is just beyond my imagination and definitely set my expectation way too high when it comes to boys now! (uh I blame you, John Green) Here is one of my favorite quotes from Augustus Waters which definitely knees buckling-toes curling-tear jerking-heart melting kind of words:

It is definitely a bittersweet kind of story but it's beautiful. I will not tell you what happened to them in the story because well that would be a spoiler. I cried a lot when I read this novel. I finished this novel probably in 2 days because I was obsessed but then when it almost the end I cried for 2 reasons and one of them was because I didn't want it to end. Oh and this novel is just like a journal full of great quotes. John Green is a genius. And this being one of those great quotes also:

A lot of those quotes made me think and view the world in a whole different sight. All in all, I love The fault in our stars and I love Hazel Grace and madly in love with Augustus Waters. Adieu. xx

Quote of the day

"Its the most maddening, beautiful, magical, horrible, painful, wonderful, joyous thing in the world, love"

(Taylor Swift)