Chameleon soul

"The thing I’m most afraid of is me. Of not knowing what I’m going to do. Of not knowing what I’m doing right now."

I found this Haruki Murakami quotes from one of his books.
It got me thinking. It got me, for once, to think about my self.

For all my life I convince my self to believe that I've got it all planned out. I know what I'm going to do, I know what I like, I know what I've gotten my self into. And for a brief moment in my life, I'm sure about life. I'm sure about future and I'm sure about my self. Who I am. What I'm doing right now. What I'm going to do. All those reassurances implanted the idea in my head that life is that certain journey that you're going to live just as the way you imagine it. As the way you've planned it. I never thought that life would be easy. It's just that, I thought life would be a certain thing. Something that already been arranged for you and you just have to live it.

That brief moment in my life was over. And I know realize that nothing is certain. Nothing is planned for you. Your life is depended on you. As the realization sink in, fear starts to creep in. I believe that I have plan. I have a dream. A lot of it. I have a goal that I want to accomplish in my life. But at the same time, I fear the uncertainty. I fear the feeling of lost. And in the end, I fear the life itself and I'm afraid of my self. I sometimes think that I have a chameleon soul. Full of indecisiveness and uncertainty. Sometimes I think I have somewhere to go but sometimes I think I don't know where to go. No compass in my life pointing to somewhere. Sometimes I think I know what to do but then sometimes I also think nothing is worth doing. In that moment of uncertainty that I fear my life the most. Especially when I see other people seems to know what they are doing. Then I starts to questioning my self about life and all that stuff. 

The thing is, I just want to live. I just want to do something that makes me happy and makes my life worth living. I may fear all those things, but also realize that those fear are what keeps me on my toes. Keeps me from slacking. I don't want to see those dreams of mine dashed and divided into million pieces. I want to see those dreams sparkling along with those stars in the night sky. My wish is that I just want to be happy and content with my life. To be doing something that I'm supposed to be doing. To be wild and free. To create a life where I can be my self and be happy and to make all my darkest fantasies come to life.

tata.